Tag Archives: Property Brothers

HGTV Property Brothers: An Oasis of Nice in a House of Dump

I’m sorry, but it must be said. The brunette Property Brother looks exactly like Ezra, from Pretty Little Liars. I can’t tell if this is a good thing, but I’m constantly distracted by this. What are you doing selling houses, Ezra? Shouldn’t you be teaching college English and dating a high school student who is cute as a button and totally inappropriate for you? Oh wait, wrong show. I was wondering why A hadn’t texted anyone in the last thirty seconds.

The concept of this HGTV show is that the swarthy brother plays real estate agent, cruelly takes clients to their dream home only to say, “Actually, this property is WAY over your budget.” Then he gives that flat look, as if to say *Should’ve worked harder.*

After that, he proceeds to take them to the dumps they CAN afford. The more ripe for a bulldozer they look the better. In fact, they led one of the clients into the basement where they had to cover their noses with their own t-shirts to keep themselves from chucking their lunch. Ah, TV gold.

Keep in mind, these dumps come at dumpy prices, but he always adds a cool $50K-$60K for his blonde brother to use for renovations. Sounds like swarthy brother is passing swash-buckling brother some work, doesn’t it? I wonder which one of them had the idea to do this show. I’m betting on real estate swarthy brother, to get swash-buckling brother off his couch.

So then the renovations begin. WHOA! Unexpected cost of a pipe that needs to be re-routed. WHOA! Unexpected cost of the subfloor being rotted (in a dump house, imagine that). Cha-ching, cha-ching! So then swash-buckling brother comes to the client to say, “Sorry, you can’t have everything you want. This is going to cost more money than we thought.” Like any contractor.

The reveals — I live for the reveals. The dump now looks like a livable, modern home, complete with fake pears in a basket and clean floors and de-cluttered kitchens. Oooo, aahhhh. Cue the crying clients.

I have some lingering questions though, like:

  • Did you fix the basement that smelled like someone died in it? I’m imagining it’s still that way, even though the upstairs now looks like it came out of a Pottery Barn magazine.
  • What about the bedrooms with the torn, hanging wallpaper and stained carpets and rat traps? The homeowners probably have to say, “Well, I really enjoyed cooking in my pristine kitchen. Let’s put on our hazmat suits and go to bed.”
  • Why on earth did you install an $1100 GRANITE SINK? Didn’t the discussion five minutes ago in TV time go something like, “Well, you might consider laminate floors, since we had the surprise of a rotten subfloor. That will save you money, and we’ll stay on budget.” Why didn’t the client just consider a stainless steel sink???

The budget actually is my main complaint with HGTV. Because unless you’re a design-for-less show, these designers are doing things for major bucks. Genevieve Gorder was given a living room to do with the paltry budget of $8K, and she balked, “That’s not much to work with. We’re going to have to re-use things.” Holy crap, that amount would buy out IKEA! Not everything has to be custom-made using rare fabrics from India!

In any case, I like you, Property Brothers. You torture your clients. And then you give them an oasis of modern living inside an otherwise dilapidated house.

What do you think?